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TITLE: NINE RESPONSES TO A PAINTING BY JEFF ZUGALE
Author: Ellid
Rating: G for Goofy
Warnings: may be humorous
Note: John Scalzi, Wil Wheaton, and Jeff Zugale collaborated to create a magnificent PIECE OF ARTWORK and invited their readesr to submit stories based on same for charity. Here's my entry.
Acceptance
Dear Mr. Zugale:
We at the Museum of Execrable Art were informed of your recent painting, Scalzorc Versus the Flying Kitten, and your difficulties in selling same (Christie's should be ashamed of itself, employing an auctioneer who breaks down laughing like that). We have a possible solution.
As you may know, MOEA is dedicated to the preservation of "technically ambitious, competently executed, risible art." As such, we invite you to donate Scalzorc Versus the Flying Kitten to our museum for our upcoming "Contemporary Lunacy" exhibition in Szot Park, Chicopee, Massachusetts. We will gain a significant 21st century painting for our collection, you will get a tax deduction of $13.47* from donating your painting to a not-for-profit institution, and we both will benefit from the sales of t-shirts, posters, CD's, and other ancillary products.
I have enclosed a brochure describing our museum and our mission in more detail. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Very truly yours,
Sylvester Simonson
Director of New Acquisitions
*Per the terms of our endowment by Prudentia Schukenheim (nee Frump), each item in our collection is valued at $13.47, in honor of her birth on Friday the 13th of June in 1947.
Feminism
Despite the clear, and outrageous, exploitation of stereotypes about "what little girls like" in the figure of the wide-eyed fluffy kitten ridden by a muscular male wielding a sharpened phallic symbol, there is a clear feminist subtext in this remarkable painting.
The "hero," a bearded man with rippling muscles, wears feminized garments (a midriff-bearing sweater and tight, form-fitting shorts). The kitten's eyes are wide with excitement and quasi-sexualized glee as she swoops down upon her heavily muscled prey. The pale green "orc" wears a leather mini-skirt in what appears to be a fantasy version of a leather bondage harness, and it is little coincidence that volcanoes explode with the red of a woman's moon blood in the background. The entire work is, at heart, a metaphor for a young woman defying societal expectations to reclaim her sexuality, through violence if necessary….
From "New Discoveries in Fantasy Art," by J.T.D. Bonk, in The Sophia Smith Quarterly.
Nightmare
"AAAAAAAAH!!!!!" The artist, the writer, and the actor woke in unison, throats raw at the horror, the terror, the sheer unearthly power of what their mini-mass cathexis had engendered. Would they ever sleep well again?
The brunette sat up and glared through her luxuriant hair. So did the blonde. Their mouths opened in unison to speak the same words despite the miles between them.
"That's it! No more Chinese food after 10:00 pm for you!"
The new mother groaned and pulled the pillow over her head. "Let me sleep, damn it!"
The artist, the writer, and the actor shuddered and fell back into bed. Little did they know that somewhere a dreadful chimera that had begun as a tiny soft kitten bared its teeth, ichor dripping from its gleaming fangs as it contemplated its prey….
Morality
Excerpt from flyers distributed at the entrance to the Eldritch Artwork Gallery, Dayton, Ohio by the Sword and Rod of the LORD Ministries ™, a local storefront congregation affiliated with the Ultra-Primitive Baptists:
…Ameirca is a CHRISTIAN nation! There is no place for UNNATURAL GREEN MEN! God didn't give cats horns, why should a so-called "artist"?
Hell is suffocating - HOT HOT HOT! Stay married or LOOSE SOUL!
This painting is what happens when evolution and not GOD is taught in the schools. PRAY FOR AMERICA!!!!!
Criticism
To: The Acquisition Committee
From: Mark Bishop, Curator of Contemporary Art
Re: Proposed purchase of Zugale painting
…and although the painting is competently done, I must at this time recommend against its acquisition. I realize that this puts me at odds with the my colleague R.I. Skinner, but I cannot stand idly by while such a travesty is allowed to manure the walls of our institution.
Miss Skinner correctly pointed out that the composition is a classic figure triangle flaring outwards and upwards from the orc and culminating in the flying feline's precisely rendered wings. It seems inspired by Baroque sculpture (the rippling muscles of both figures, the careful detail of feather and fur), with a nod to the realistic fantasy tradition pioneered by Michael Whelan; indeed, the background could almost come from Whelan's cover art for The White Dragon, albeit with a nod to the "heavy metal" school of rock poster art.
Where the painting ultimately fails is in the incorporation of overly sketched details so exaggerated as to smack of sentimentality. The kitten's eyes hark back to the "big eyes" art popular in the 1960s and best known today through Samuel Butcher's "Precious Moments" figurines, while its rider, a muscular, bearded man, bears a suspicious resemblance to former teen heartthrob Wil Wheaton. The careful, almost reverent depiction of the "clown sweater" in particular is closer to the so-called "art" found in mass-produced velvet paintings as opposed to the masterpieces of realism that have made our reputation….
Kitsch
Coming to a theater near you! The greatest epic of flesh and felinity in HISTORY! Unlike ANYTHING and EVERYTHING ever produced on the silver screen!
WIL WHEATON IN HIS GREATEST ROLE!
Volcanic eruptions! Primitive rites! Blood drinking orcs!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Giant flying kittens! Clowns! Sacred chants! The BREASTPLATE of B'ZO the MIGHTY!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Rivers of gore! Heroes! Villains! Attack of the acid-flinging monkeys!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
People with no teeth! People with fangs! Courtship of orc and man! Live childbirth! Live orcbirth!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
See the "Pluk's." A people who must walk on their knees through rivers of lava. See their FANTASTIC PHYSICAL ENDOWMENTS!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
DON'T TELL YOU'RE FRIENDS THE SECRET ENDING!!!!!!!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Coming to a theater near YOU!
Management not responsible for heart attack, stroke, or digestive upset caused by viewing of this film.
Animal Rights
Dear Messrs. Scalzi, Wheaton, and Zugale:
We have been informed of your recent collaboration, a tasteless example of American society's misuse of harmless animals. Mr. Scalzi is well known for torturing his pets by festooning them with the flesh of helpless, cruelly slaughtered domestic pigs, so it is no surprise that he would collude in the exploitation of a fictional kitten by giving it wings, horns, and a rider.
As you have proclaimed that your so-called "art" was produced to raise money for charity, we have eschewed legal action at this time. We would, however, request the withdrawal and reworking of the picture to remove the exploitative elements. In return, we are prepared to donate $10,000 worth of instant miso soup to the charity of your choice.
Please indicate acceptance of this offer by signing where indicated at the bottom of this letter. Failure to do so will result in a public relations campaign against your respective web sites, and you don't want that, do you?
Sincerely,
Artemis Alicechild
Representative
Animal Companions Who Live With Us Collective
Terror
"MOMMY!!!!!!! MAKE THE SCARY KITTEN STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!"
"Darling, it's just a painting! It's not a real kitty! You know real kitties don't have horns!"
"It's staring at MEEEEE - "
"Madam, we'll have to ask you to leave. The rest of our visitors - "
"Honestly, you'd think she'd know better - "
"I'm so sorry, he usually doesn't - "
"I'm with the kid. That's sick - "
"I think it's kinda cool. I wonder if they sell prints?"
"Jesus, would that kid stop yelling? It's worse than this piece of shit!"
"It's mean and scary and - "
"I think the orc's worse than the kitten."
"I don't know, I think it's kinda cute. In an ugly green way, course."
"MOMMY!!!!!!"
"I'm so sorry, we'll leave right away - "
"We apologize for the disruption. If you'll come this way, we're offering a free gallery talk on early Christian patchwork quilts. Thank you, follow me - "
Youth
A Visit to the Art Gallery
By Jennie Carlson, age 9
We went to the art gallery for a field trip yesterday. Mrs. Hower explained the pictures to us. They were very nice.
A man with a bad haircut told us all about the statues of naked people. They were very nice. Curtis says that Jesus hates naked people. Mrs. Hower told him to be quiet for a while.
Then we saw the new paintings. Some of them were nice, but the one with a flying kitty and a green man was ugly. Curtis said it was great. I told Curtis to shut up and he stuck gum in my hair.
I hate Curtis.
Author: Ellid
Rating: G for Goofy
Warnings: may be humorous
Note: John Scalzi, Wil Wheaton, and Jeff Zugale collaborated to create a magnificent PIECE OF ARTWORK and invited their readesr to submit stories based on same for charity. Here's my entry.
Acceptance
Dear Mr. Zugale:
We at the Museum of Execrable Art were informed of your recent painting, Scalzorc Versus the Flying Kitten, and your difficulties in selling same (Christie's should be ashamed of itself, employing an auctioneer who breaks down laughing like that). We have a possible solution.
As you may know, MOEA is dedicated to the preservation of "technically ambitious, competently executed, risible art." As such, we invite you to donate Scalzorc Versus the Flying Kitten to our museum for our upcoming "Contemporary Lunacy" exhibition in Szot Park, Chicopee, Massachusetts. We will gain a significant 21st century painting for our collection, you will get a tax deduction of $13.47* from donating your painting to a not-for-profit institution, and we both will benefit from the sales of t-shirts, posters, CD's, and other ancillary products.
I have enclosed a brochure describing our museum and our mission in more detail. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Very truly yours,
Sylvester Simonson
Director of New Acquisitions
*Per the terms of our endowment by Prudentia Schukenheim (nee Frump), each item in our collection is valued at $13.47, in honor of her birth on Friday the 13th of June in 1947.
Feminism
Despite the clear, and outrageous, exploitation of stereotypes about "what little girls like" in the figure of the wide-eyed fluffy kitten ridden by a muscular male wielding a sharpened phallic symbol, there is a clear feminist subtext in this remarkable painting.
The "hero," a bearded man with rippling muscles, wears feminized garments (a midriff-bearing sweater and tight, form-fitting shorts). The kitten's eyes are wide with excitement and quasi-sexualized glee as she swoops down upon her heavily muscled prey. The pale green "orc" wears a leather mini-skirt in what appears to be a fantasy version of a leather bondage harness, and it is little coincidence that volcanoes explode with the red of a woman's moon blood in the background. The entire work is, at heart, a metaphor for a young woman defying societal expectations to reclaim her sexuality, through violence if necessary….
From "New Discoveries in Fantasy Art," by J.T.D. Bonk, in The Sophia Smith Quarterly.
Nightmare
"AAAAAAAAH!!!!!" The artist, the writer, and the actor woke in unison, throats raw at the horror, the terror, the sheer unearthly power of what their mini-mass cathexis had engendered. Would they ever sleep well again?
The brunette sat up and glared through her luxuriant hair. So did the blonde. Their mouths opened in unison to speak the same words despite the miles between them.
"That's it! No more Chinese food after 10:00 pm for you!"
The new mother groaned and pulled the pillow over her head. "Let me sleep, damn it!"
The artist, the writer, and the actor shuddered and fell back into bed. Little did they know that somewhere a dreadful chimera that had begun as a tiny soft kitten bared its teeth, ichor dripping from its gleaming fangs as it contemplated its prey….
Morality
Excerpt from flyers distributed at the entrance to the Eldritch Artwork Gallery, Dayton, Ohio by the Sword and Rod of the LORD Ministries ™, a local storefront congregation affiliated with the Ultra-Primitive Baptists:
Hell is suffocating - HOT HOT HOT! Stay married or LOOSE SOUL!
This painting is what happens when evolution and not GOD is taught in the schools. PRAY FOR AMERICA!!!!!
Criticism
To: The Acquisition Committee
From: Mark Bishop, Curator of Contemporary Art
Re: Proposed purchase of Zugale painting
…and although the painting is competently done, I must at this time recommend against its acquisition. I realize that this puts me at odds with the my colleague R.I. Skinner, but I cannot stand idly by while such a travesty is allowed to manure the walls of our institution.
Miss Skinner correctly pointed out that the composition is a classic figure triangle flaring outwards and upwards from the orc and culminating in the flying feline's precisely rendered wings. It seems inspired by Baroque sculpture (the rippling muscles of both figures, the careful detail of feather and fur), with a nod to the realistic fantasy tradition pioneered by Michael Whelan; indeed, the background could almost come from Whelan's cover art for The White Dragon, albeit with a nod to the "heavy metal" school of rock poster art.
Where the painting ultimately fails is in the incorporation of overly sketched details so exaggerated as to smack of sentimentality. The kitten's eyes hark back to the "big eyes" art popular in the 1960s and best known today through Samuel Butcher's "Precious Moments" figurines, while its rider, a muscular, bearded man, bears a suspicious resemblance to former teen heartthrob Wil Wheaton. The careful, almost reverent depiction of the "clown sweater" in particular is closer to the so-called "art" found in mass-produced velvet paintings as opposed to the masterpieces of realism that have made our reputation….
Kitsch
WIL WHEATON IN HIS GREATEST ROLE!
Volcanic eruptions! Primitive rites! Blood drinking orcs!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Giant flying kittens! Clowns! Sacred chants! The BREASTPLATE of B'ZO the MIGHTY!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Rivers of gore! Heroes! Villains! Attack of the acid-flinging monkeys!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
People with no teeth! People with fangs! Courtship of orc and man! Live childbirth! Live orcbirth!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
See the "Pluk's." A people who must walk on their knees through rivers of lava. See their FANTASTIC PHYSICAL ENDOWMENTS!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
DON'T TELL YOU'RE FRIENDS THE SECRET ENDING!!!!!!!
See "BLOOD OF THE TITANS!!!!"
Coming to a theater near YOU!
Management not responsible for heart attack, stroke, or digestive upset caused by viewing of this film.
Animal Rights
Dear Messrs. Scalzi, Wheaton, and Zugale:
We have been informed of your recent collaboration, a tasteless example of American society's misuse of harmless animals. Mr. Scalzi is well known for torturing his pets by festooning them with the flesh of helpless, cruelly slaughtered domestic pigs, so it is no surprise that he would collude in the exploitation of a fictional kitten by giving it wings, horns, and a rider.
As you have proclaimed that your so-called "art" was produced to raise money for charity, we have eschewed legal action at this time. We would, however, request the withdrawal and reworking of the picture to remove the exploitative elements. In return, we are prepared to donate $10,000 worth of instant miso soup to the charity of your choice.
Please indicate acceptance of this offer by signing where indicated at the bottom of this letter. Failure to do so will result in a public relations campaign against your respective web sites, and you don't want that, do you?
Sincerely,
Artemis Alicechild
Representative
Animal Companions Who Live With Us Collective
Terror
"MOMMY!!!!!!! MAKE THE SCARY KITTEN STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!"
"Darling, it's just a painting! It's not a real kitty! You know real kitties don't have horns!"
"It's staring at MEEEEE - "
"Madam, we'll have to ask you to leave. The rest of our visitors - "
"Honestly, you'd think she'd know better - "
"I'm so sorry, he usually doesn't - "
"I'm with the kid. That's sick - "
"I think it's kinda cool. I wonder if they sell prints?"
"Jesus, would that kid stop yelling? It's worse than this piece of shit!"
"It's mean and scary and - "
"I think the orc's worse than the kitten."
"I don't know, I think it's kinda cute. In an ugly green way, course."
"MOMMY!!!!!!"
"I'm so sorry, we'll leave right away - "
"We apologize for the disruption. If you'll come this way, we're offering a free gallery talk on early Christian patchwork quilts. Thank you, follow me - "
Youth
A Visit to the Art Gallery
By Jennie Carlson, age 9
We went to the art gallery for a field trip yesterday. Mrs. Hower explained the pictures to us. They were very nice.
A man with a bad haircut told us all about the statues of naked people. They were very nice. Curtis says that Jesus hates naked people. Mrs. Hower told him to be quiet for a while.
Then we saw the new paintings. Some of them were nice, but the one with a flying kitty and a green man was ugly. Curtis said it was great. I told Curtis to shut up and he stuck gum in my hair.
I hate Curtis.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-30 05:01 am (UTC)From:(Because, when I know it's based on someone, I feel the need to "get it right" and I can't not really knowing either one...)
no subject
Date: 2010-06-30 10:40 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-06-30 12:09 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-06-30 06:13 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 01:15 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 01:15 am (UTC)From:Besides, a picture like that *needs* to have silly fanfic written about it.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 04:13 pm (UTC)From:Thanks so much for posting!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 04:37 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-03 11:14 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-04 03:18 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-04 04:58 am (UTC)From: