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The Life of Saint Dumpster
St Dumpster was born in Scruta Parva (now Little Dumphill), the smaller of two villages that grew up downwind of the royal palace of King Odo of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom of Smellehaep. Dumpster’s family was extremely poor and what little they had, they rescued from the palace rubbish-tip. But they were happy nonetheless, and among the most devout and faithful followers of Bishop (later Saint) Unguentus, the energetic apostle of the Scruta district. When Dumpster was seven years old Bishop Unguentus recommended him to the school at the monastery of Clene in Northumbria. Here Dumpster was educated and would remain until middle age, when King Fuskus of the pagan kingdom of Coalehepe, having been converted to the Christian Faith by his wife Lavatia, wrote to the abbot of Clene asking for teachers to evangelize his people.
Dumpster and a delegation of monks journeyed to Coalehepe, established a church and school at Slagford Magna, and began preaching among the people. Their efforts met with great success at first, and such was the growth of churches in the region that Dumpster was soon consecrated Bishop of Coalehepe so that he could ordain priests to serve throughout the kingdom. But King Fuskus died after eating undercooked wild boar and was succeeded by the pagan King Foetorus. Foetorus sought to banish Dumpster and other Christian missionaries from the kingdom, but many of his vassals and courtiers had been already been converted and they protected Bishop Dumpster and the priests. King Foetorus then resorted to trickery, asking Bishop Dumpster to come and preach to the court assembled at Slagford Parva (not far from the see at Slagford Magna), and setting up the bishop’s pulpit in a peat meadow known to be dotted with dangerous bogs. As Bishop Dumpster took his pulpit, the bog underneath it, which had supported the weight of the unoccupied wooden structure but could not sustain that of a man, began to consume pulpit and preacher, but Bishop Dumpster continued undeterred, preaching the Faith even as he slowly sank into the relentless earth. Indeed, King Foetorus’ treachery failed even its deviser, for he was so moved by the resolution of the saint who would not cease to proclaim the Gospel even as the bog claimed him, that the very next day he abdicated his crown, received baptism, and spent the rest of his days as a penitent in Dumpster’s former monastery of Clene, where he rejoiced in the humble task of disposing of the slops.
St Dumpster was buried under the nave floor of his cathedral at Slagford Magna and to this day is invoked as the patron saint of landfills and sanitation workers. He is often depicted in art wearing the ragged clothes of his boyhood and standing on, or in, a dustbin. Modern interpretations sometimes place him in the basket of a front-end loader.
St Dumpster was born in Scruta Parva (now Little Dumphill), the smaller of two villages that grew up downwind of the royal palace of King Odo of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom of Smellehaep. Dumpster’s family was extremely poor and what little they had, they rescued from the palace rubbish-tip. But they were happy nonetheless, and among the most devout and faithful followers of Bishop (later Saint) Unguentus, the energetic apostle of the Scruta district. When Dumpster was seven years old Bishop Unguentus recommended him to the school at the monastery of Clene in Northumbria. Here Dumpster was educated and would remain until middle age, when King Fuskus of the pagan kingdom of Coalehepe, having been converted to the Christian Faith by his wife Lavatia, wrote to the abbot of Clene asking for teachers to evangelize his people.
Dumpster and a delegation of monks journeyed to Coalehepe, established a church and school at Slagford Magna, and began preaching among the people. Their efforts met with great success at first, and such was the growth of churches in the region that Dumpster was soon consecrated Bishop of Coalehepe so that he could ordain priests to serve throughout the kingdom. But King Fuskus died after eating undercooked wild boar and was succeeded by the pagan King Foetorus. Foetorus sought to banish Dumpster and other Christian missionaries from the kingdom, but many of his vassals and courtiers had been already been converted and they protected Bishop Dumpster and the priests. King Foetorus then resorted to trickery, asking Bishop Dumpster to come and preach to the court assembled at Slagford Parva (not far from the see at Slagford Magna), and setting up the bishop’s pulpit in a peat meadow known to be dotted with dangerous bogs. As Bishop Dumpster took his pulpit, the bog underneath it, which had supported the weight of the unoccupied wooden structure but could not sustain that of a man, began to consume pulpit and preacher, but Bishop Dumpster continued undeterred, preaching the Faith even as he slowly sank into the relentless earth. Indeed, King Foetorus’ treachery failed even its deviser, for he was so moved by the resolution of the saint who would not cease to proclaim the Gospel even as the bog claimed him, that the very next day he abdicated his crown, received baptism, and spent the rest of his days as a penitent in Dumpster’s former monastery of Clene, where he rejoiced in the humble task of disposing of the slops.
St Dumpster was buried under the nave floor of his cathedral at Slagford Magna and to this day is invoked as the patron saint of landfills and sanitation workers. He is often depicted in art wearing the ragged clothes of his boyhood and standing on, or in, a dustbin. Modern interpretations sometimes place him in the basket of a front-end loader.
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Date: 2008-04-02 02:19 am (UTC)From: